After last month’s reflections on Parenting, I have been thinking about Adulting. The OED definition of adulting is the practice of behaving in a way characteristic of a responsible adult, especially the accomplishment of mundane but necessary tasks. The American Dialect Society cites a tweet from 2008 as the first documented use. Twitter is now a recognized source for first-usage citations of neologisms.
I searched #adulting on Twitter and scanned the topics that surfaced. They clustered around finances (not enough money), fatigue (not enough time), eating habits (wanting to do better) and celebrating the completion of or the challenges associated with various domestic tasks. These included items such as meal preparation, paying taxes, cleaning and organizing domestic items.
I tried to find a Google source that provides a definition of an adult beyond the chronological milestones (eighteen or twenty-one years old) or the ability to complete mundane or necessary tasks. Was there a measuring device such as an Adultometer or list of competencies that could be tested?
Meanwhile, I was in Palm Springs enjoying the fresh lemons from my neighbour’s tree and the
If you can meet Triumph and Defeat and treat those two imposters just the same
Most of you will recognize this as a quotation from Rudyard Kipling’s poem If, published in 1910. ( link to the poem is below) Rudyard Kipling was a man of his time – an era of imperialism, colonialism and white male supremacy. This poem was inspired after a bungling of leadership in the Boer war and written as advice to his son. I parsed it for the recommended adult attributes and found this list:
Calm, Confident, Cooperative, Patient, Honest, Accommodating, Understanding, Humble, Optimistic yet Realistic, Creative, Resilient (Stoic), Practical, Decisive, and Compassionate.
You might be able to find others? I would add that self-compassion, accurate self-appraisal, tolerance of ambiguity and understanding the necessity of forgiveness are also crucial to adulting.
We used to have a cartoon on the fridge when my kids were teenagers that went something like this.
“Why does my Mum always know how to push-my-buttons.”
“She installed them.”
Maybe the journey from child to adult requires the uninstalling of all the bad buttons from childhood that interfere with self-regulation?
A successful adult knows their strengths and weaknesses . They can identify, differentiate and manage the most primal feelings such as fear, sadness and anger. They have developed a repertoire of appropriate positive behaviours that can be draw upon to manage these strong negative emotions in themselves and others.
There is more and more evidence that contented successful mature adults have developed skills that allow them to self-regulate their emotions in most contexts. They are better at self-advocacy and the optimization of their personal potential. Educators are examining methods to teach emotional literacy – the ability to understand yourself, read others and choose the behaviours that will improve social interactions.
Felix Auger-Alliasime at age eighteen in his first major tennis tournament had the wisdom to accept and learn from his defeat. He then went on to become the youngest male player to reach the semi-finals of the next major tournament in Miami. He is mature beyond his years in triumph or defeat.
Being an adult is not a chronological state and adulting is not only completing tasks such as managing your finances, getting to work on time or eating well. Adulting is the continuous evolution of desirable characteristics and emotional skills that allow individuals to reach their personal potential.
If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools: